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User blog:PerhapsTheOtherOne/Speculative Spitballing: Gods and Meatbags
WARNING! The following is a FAN-BASED PARODY! May contain speculation, but probably not! Please support official speculation blogs' release from other users! ---- Hello, RWBY Wiki! We're back with another exciting installment of Speculative Spitballing! Emphasis on the "spitballing", and less on the "speculative"! You've been warned, naysayers >:( Anyways......... with that drama out of the way, let's move on to this blog's topic! As you can tell from the less than subtle title, we're talking about those existentially questionable beings that rule over our domain, the domain of, you guessed it, "meatbags", as I affectionately refer to us mortals as. Moving on! So, we have our meatbags (pictured to the left), who is basically everyone in the series of RWBY so far, but then who are our gods? We don't really have too many representatives of religion in general in RWBY so far. Oh, and before you commenters get ready to start a religious debate and all that chiz down below, know that this discussion...... is NOT at all about such "ramifications" and "consequences" and other large made-up words. But then that leaves us with one question...... WHO? Who is our main lead for what could possibly be interpreted as a deity? Could it be either of these two dashing fellows? Well, a case can certainly be made for either of them. In Ozpin's case, well..... he's ominous, weird, and is inconsistent as all hell when it comes to what he's rambling on about. As for Zwei, well...... he can be set on fire and flung at heavily armored mechs, and somehow survive looking as dopey as ever. No....... it's neither of them. See, we've been staring at this universe's god the whole time, and never even knew it. A man whom blends so well into the lives of us puny mortals that we never even think twice. This man is..... Baseline THIS MAN, HERE! I know, I know. You're all thinking: "YOU F**KING IDIOT! HOW THE F**K CAN THIS SCRAWNY GEEZER BE A F**KING GOD?!? YOU'RE F**KING CRAZY!!!" And to that, I say..... WATCH THE F**KIGN LANGUAGE, MOTHERF**KER!!! You should never call a man scrawny, especially this one, mortal pleb! Now, there IS a method to my madness! He's old, weak looking, and happens to come off as kind of a joke character. BUT! If you examine him closely, we can see the cracks in his facade, the chinks in the armor that'll blow this whole conspiracy wide open! ---- Factoid #1: He's EVERYWHERE. The Dust shop, the noodle shop, even driving a goddamn truck! Some of you commenters may rebuttal, with something like: "THE F**K MAN?! MAYBE HE JUST HAS A WHOLE F**KING LOT OF F**KING JOBS!!!" And to that, I say..... WATCH THE F**KING LANGUAGE AGAIN! .......Anyways, I find it highly unlikely a seemingly decrepit old man would be able to take on so many jobs. ---- Factoid #2: His eyes are always closed. No other character has permanently closed eyes. "THE F**KING F**K?!? MAYBE HIS EYES F**KING HURT!" And to that, I say...... SERIOUSLY, WATCH THE F**KING LANGUAGE!!! Besides, in something that's classified as anime by the Japanese, having no anime eyes at all means there's more that meets the eye. But not in the Transformers way. Also, by keeping his eyes closed, Shopkeep Guy saves us mortals from his Lovecraftian stare. ---- Factoid #3: He's balding. Only gods are balding, since bad guys are fully bald. "THE F**K-- Actually, that kinda makes sense." Case closed there. Gods have no need for hair atop the very tops of their head tops. Possible Reasoning With all this overwhelming evidence, why is it a god would choose such a mundane and squishy form to walk among his subjects? Well, think about it from his perspective: What's the one thing nobody ever looks/thinks twice at/about? That's right, old guys. Most people think: "Ewww, that old man probably doesn't know what the internet is!!!" And you'd be right for thinking that. So, they ignore them, and thus, the perfect disguise is made. A god can keep an eye on his subjects without ever being paid attention to. They just view him as another part of life they'll never escape. And it's a good thing no one in the RWBYverse has movies that cast old guys as gods. Verdict So, there ya have it. We've been seeing RWBY's god this whole time. HAIL SHOPKEEP GUY! But to those that disagree, thinking it's all just coincidence, just remember this: Category:Blog posts